All the murky side-effects of betrayal seem to elude me. I haven't cried or let go of the hurt and pain... simply because I haven't felt the crushing weight of those twin towers of heartbreak yet. You wake up one morning and something as simple as a text message can churn your insides till you find yourself transforming into a cold mush. Are you finally relieved the mystery is over or do you leap up in delight that your suspicions were right all along? Does it matter that your life, as you knew it, is unravelling right before your stony brown eyes?

Having your worst fears realised can, strangely enough, set you free. Now there's no more room for fear and doubt. No more room for the painful loneliness to slowly seep in. Your existence is now one big lonely sea. The vastness of it all no longer engulfs you, its cold spiralling depths no longer suck you in. You've swum it all, drunk it in. You are the sea. The sea is you. The emptiness it fills, the shores it teases lashing back and forth, the horizons it pushes its limits to.. They are all you now. When your mind has only fear in it, there's room for nothing else.

I can no longer think about the past and feel the same. The magic never returns. That's why it was magic in the first place. So you would continue to be awed by it long after it left, its glowing pulsating rhythm still taunting you, still tantalising your worn out heart. Just so its afterglow would still gnaw at your senses till there's nothing left to bleed upon. Just the pale white tips of your fingers and your bloodless eyes looking inward.

A life more ordinary is easier to live. It's easier to get over. It's easier to let go of when the time comes. It's easier to bury and start over again when everything's dead inside. Sometimes I think I know all the answers, sometimes I wonder if they would remain the same for different questions...

I can live without the magic, a life with cracks and all. It's just more real.