A few hours prior to the date send me a dozen text messages asking if you can bring me a gift. Even if every single reply of mine says no.

Ten minutes into the date tell me something you didn't like about someone who showed some interest in you, probably a century ago. And act like you just didn't give a damn.

Ask me what I did all day, what I'm going to do all day tomorrow and the day after that. Then cook up the rest of what you actually want to say in your head and don't bother serving it to me.

When you notice me starting to look bored, plunge headlong into bringing up my past.
I was really shocked when I heard the news about your break-up. What really went wrong? How, what, why? Oh come on, if you don't know then who does?

Pretend that you didn't notice me trying to change the topic and continue with your obviously desperate bid to try and impress me by some heavy duty ex-bashing. What kind of a person is he? Is he a human being at all?

Continue asking such inane questions even though I have never discussed my previous relationship with you beyond the mere point of mentioning that it is now over.

Tell me my toes should have been bigger. And don't tell me why you think so.

Tell me I should write a novel and name it after you.

Then when you see me squirming in my seat, start asking me typical arranged marriage type questions about my family. Where do your parents live? What does your brother do? Is he married? How many children does he have?

When you see me yawning again, go back to your favourite fall-back topic - bashing my ex. How could you have fallen in love with him? He didn't deserve you.

Don't take any of my hints of wanting to wind up the date.

Wind up only after I shamelessly tell you that I'm bored and I would now like to call it a night.

Take an hour to say goodnight.

Call me five minutes after you drop me home.

Call me 10 minutes after you drop me home.

Call me as soon as you reach home.

Call me 20 minutes after I've fallen asleep, even if it's 3 am by then.

Call me the next day and ask me why my phone was switched off after 3.10 am.

Tell me you ended up going to bed only at 6.30 am.

Keep talking long after I've hung up.