I'm self-destructive.
But you already knew that, didn't you?
You might even hit me back with the retort, 'But, who isn't?'
Indeed, who among us isn't self-destructive in one way or the other?
But I can't vouch for anyone else but myself.
In fact, I can't even explain why I do some of the things that I do. And that's only because I really don't know, don't understand and most importantly, don't want to understand.
Understanding would mean being aware which eventually leads to accepting and then trying to change.
And that's something I don't wish to do.
Like I said, I'm self-destructive.
And in keeping with the theme, one of the things I did in the recent past was become involved with someone I can barely tolerate and am often repulsed by.
But I went ahead and did it anyway. Knowing full well what I was getting into, knowing exactly how it would end. The only thing I didn't understand was why.
Of course, I knew I was kidding myself. Of course, I knew it was wrong on so many different levels.
But I really didn't give a damn.
And I will not lie, it made me feel great at times.
And then it made me feel like shit.
It was like a drug.
That's when I knew I had to quit.
Because if there's one thing I'm uncomfortable with, it's addiction.
I do not like the idea of having something else controlling me.
And so I left just as impulsively as I'd gone in.
The only difference was that I knew exactly why I was leaving.
And I was sure I would never go down that road again.
The thing with a fluid and unfettered existence is that there's always going to be more grey than black & white.
Is it bad or good? I can't really say.
I will say this though, it's better than any other life I've lived.
Because now I no longer wake up to the thought 'This is as good as it gets'.
No.
It could get better. It could get worse.
But it will never be the same endless loop of monotony.
I've realised that your soul drives you in the direction you've always wanted to go.
Whether you like it or not. Whether you're aware or not.
You're going exactly where you want to.
And where I'm going there's no belonging or owning.
There never will be.
But you already knew that, didn't you?
You might even hit me back with the retort, 'But, who isn't?'
Indeed, who among us isn't self-destructive in one way or the other?
But I can't vouch for anyone else but myself.
In fact, I can't even explain why I do some of the things that I do. And that's only because I really don't know, don't understand and most importantly, don't want to understand.
Understanding would mean being aware which eventually leads to accepting and then trying to change.
And that's something I don't wish to do.
Like I said, I'm self-destructive.
And in keeping with the theme, one of the things I did in the recent past was become involved with someone I can barely tolerate and am often repulsed by.
But I went ahead and did it anyway. Knowing full well what I was getting into, knowing exactly how it would end. The only thing I didn't understand was why.
Of course, I knew I was kidding myself. Of course, I knew it was wrong on so many different levels.
But I really didn't give a damn.
And I will not lie, it made me feel great at times.
And then it made me feel like shit.
It was like a drug.
That's when I knew I had to quit.
Because if there's one thing I'm uncomfortable with, it's addiction.
I do not like the idea of having something else controlling me.
And so I left just as impulsively as I'd gone in.
The only difference was that I knew exactly why I was leaving.
And I was sure I would never go down that road again.
The thing with a fluid and unfettered existence is that there's always going to be more grey than black & white.
Is it bad or good? I can't really say.
I will say this though, it's better than any other life I've lived.
Because now I no longer wake up to the thought 'This is as good as it gets'.
No.
It could get better. It could get worse.
But it will never be the same endless loop of monotony.
I've realised that your soul drives you in the direction you've always wanted to go.
Whether you like it or not. Whether you're aware or not.
You're going exactly where you want to.
And where I'm going there's no belonging or owning.
There never will be.
5 comments:
Lady, you speak for so many of us. The only difference being that you have the guts to own up and analyze the ‘addiction’. No matter how worldly wise we profess ourselves to be, we all do get sucked in the vortex of a perfectly nonsensical situation. Sometimes the exit is just a ‘button push’ away and sometimes it may take years or perhaps a life time to rid us off the monotony. The core being that we should not get carried away by the strong sway of emotions into something which might be mutually rancorous. Perhaps there comes a time in everyone’s life where we need to grow up and leave behind something which does not exist and give up the relentless pursuit of chasing the elusive mirage. Good that you are over it. Always remember, no relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn’t bring you what you want, it taught you what you don’t want.
@Anonymous - You said it. When people ask me what I want these days, I say that I have no idea but I do know for sure what I don't want!
And no, I'm not talking about a relationship here. It can be called an involvement for want of a better word. And it gave me exactly what I wanted until I didn't any longer...
I was last in a 'relationship' around 5 years ago. I don't do relationships anymore :)
Very interesting...and I truly second what @anonymous put in "If it didn't bring you want you wanted, it taught you..."
However, I do feel that at times the addiction can be worth all the pain and trouble at the end. It helps you hold on to certain things in life...Addiction could be a bliss in disguise.. but then to each his own...and yes CC, I actually wanted to begin.. Self destructive - who isn't? :)
Good one overall - as ever.
@Himanshu - We shall agree to disagree :) Thanks for commenting. I really appreciate it.
Ok, on a completely unrelated note please tell me which is the best internet security available.. Avast, Kaspersky, Eset... anything else?
Sounds like a valuable learning experience and I too endorse Anon's 'no relationship etc'
but can't agree with 'Addiction could be a bliss in disguise.'
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