But my desire to spend my birthday travelling to a new place surfaced only much later and so, the next time it happened, it was planned. It was 2006 and I travelled to Darjeeling and Sikkim via Calcutta. I remember the bitter cold of January and the descent of thick fog turning the afternoon into twilight in an instance. I had always dreamed of visiting Sikkim and catching an eyeful of the mesmerising Kangchenjunga, the third-highest mountain in the world and the tallest Himalayan peak on the Indian side. But getting a view of this beauty wasn't easy; it took days of hide-and-seek thanks to the fog and mist. After a sneak peak in Darjeeling, which led us to extend our stay there by a day, I finally got up close and personal with Kanchenjunga in gorgeous Pelling on the morning of January 22, a day before my birthday. My joy, as I threw open the drapes and realised we had finally woken up to a clear morning, knew no bounds and I woke up my companion with the excitement of a two-year-old at the zoo. It had become a ritual with me - every single morning I would sneak up to the window and move the drapes just a little and it was always a no-show until that happy morning. Happy birthday to me!!! I screamed and ran outside to get a better view - and what a view it was! The magic of a sun-kissed snow peak while immersed in scenic paradise. I spent my actual birthday in Gangtok walking around its winding streets buying the most delicious cheese, sipping hot coffee at quaint cafes, drinking sweet lemon tea at a little shop outside our hotel and having a delicious Nepali lunch at the lovely jazz cafe next door. The next morning, permits in hand, we were driven up hairpin bends to the frozen Tsomgo lake, pretty close to the Indo-China border. It was a rollercoaster of a holiday and I remember sitting outside the Pemayangste monastery in Pelling and wondering if that was it... if that was all my life would be and what else was in store. For even though, it was a dream come true, there were certain demons that needed to be laid to rest. That moment there, as I sat on a stone outside the monastery and stared at my brown suede shoes, I felt a yearning for something I couldn't quite put my finger on. 

Years and then an entire decade went by before I was able to make my birthday wish come true again.  I finally did it this time and have just returned from another dream holiday and this time I travelled solo, making it even more special! I started planning it in December and after thinking of a first option, I toyed with the desert, then mountains, then ancient ruins, I even made a full payment for a leopard safari in Rajasthan. But as inevitable as love can be, I ended up going to my first option (which I had actually first thought about several months ago) - beautiful Bandhavgarh in Madhya Pradesh. Everything about it turned out to be perfect! The resort with its amazing staff, the delicious food, the magic of the jungle and of course, the special souls I connected with. On my birthday morning, I woke up at 5 am and left for my first morning safari. The same forest that I had seen the previous evening now seemed different and new. As Mahadev, my guide, said to me, "Jungle mein har din naya lagta hai aur har ghadi alag..." I didn't spot a tiger that day but there wasn't even a slight dent in my enthusiasm. After the safari, I indulged in the gorgeous open shower in the privacy of my cottage, with just the clear blue sky and green cover of bamboo leaves above. I spent a delightful afternoon walking around the property, making friends with the residents dogs and even sitting on a swing after decades. Since all national parks in MP are closed for evening safaris on Wednesdays and my birthday this year fell on a Wednesday (January 23), I had the evening free. I spent the hours talking to a new friend as we warmed ourselves by the bonfire and exchanged the stories of our lives. For the first time ever, I didn't even mind not having any alcohol on my birthday. After a couple more days of magic and wonder, I headed back to the city and the love of my life, who couldn't wait to hear all about my holiday. How I wish I could have taken him along but his advancing years and the cruel disease that he battles every single day makes it too tough. But Daddy Bear was with me on this holiday in spirit and I did miss him so while I was there.


So with a month of 2019 already chewed off, I have completed 45 rotations around the sun and am still none the wiser I guess... ha ha. But life is all in the living and when the living is underlined by loving, how bad could it get? I still have dreams and desires. I still swing between the agony and ecstasy of heartbreak and passion. I miss my mother terribly. I love my father fiercely. And when I lie in the arms of a lover, I am like the rain, giving it my all. I made a decision this year - one that I have never made before or even dared to think. And it is the decision to accept myself with open arms. I will not forcibly change the essence of who I am. I will just be myself and embrace the wonder of my uniqueness. I am not just fine the way I am, in fact, I am perfect. 2019 is the year of me. Thank you Universe.