I could take the credit for all of these, including the title to this post, but my brain went on vacation and dropped my sense of humour off at the movies on the way and someone else (make that a lot of someone elses) beat me to it and I'm pretty sure my dog had something to do with it as well...


I believe in Karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and assume they deserve it.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

All in favour of telekineseis, raise my hands.

Confucius says: Girl with little red bike peddle ass all over town.

Don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs, she has enough silly tricks.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.

Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Smile, it confuses people.

Success is like a fart - only your own smells nice.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

There is no excuse for spitting in a man's face unless his moustache is on fire.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. - Dave Barry

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? - Marilyn Pittman

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. - Rita Mae Brown

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? - Lily Tomlin

Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~ George Carlin

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain