This morning I felt abandoned and it hit me in spurts through the day as my eyes kept tearing up and I looked in the mirror and tried to smile those salt drops away I said I wouldn't think about it today like Scarlett but unlike her I did not wait for tomorrow to make amends I made those calls and found someone new but now I'm worried about that somebody new looking inside my top at 6.15 or 8.45 whichever is convenient and now the Pod on shuffle is freakily playing all the songs he played for me on the guitar really really badly and now he must be playing her the same ones maybe I should send her all the emails he wrote me and maybe she could copy them on her blog like she did that thing he wrote for me that he told me she said she liked that I later found out he lifted from someone somewhere and I can't help but feel sad that Queenie Jo died the way she did in Cameroon the left tyre bursting and flinging her out of the car and breaking all her bones killing her just once and how she always came booming down the stairs and taught us funny songs in the municipal park and looked into my eyes and said you could be a genius if only you applied yourself and now she's gone and I hate that I can't cry or even laugh just some show of human emotion to let me know I'm different from the wheat grass I plan to grow on the windowsill but I'm thinking an aquarium would look better with all the rich colours and the sweet little fish mouths that I cannot buy now because there are just 37 rupees left in the bank and none of it matters because today I finally saw Sheer's face and the radiance that touched me she is beautiful and gorgeous and everything I knew she would be and I wish that my reader from New Jersey would someday write to me sometimes silence is the worst thing and even sadder is thinking about how he deletes my comments everytime I leave them my friend with the blog not the reader from New Jersey who never says a word and I wonder if he or she has ever heard The Fool on the Hill by The Beatles because it's a song that I'm listening to now and really like but not as much as I like the fact that very soon I'll hold the twins in my arms and I really really want them to be girls or even one boy and one girl but I am worried about tingu and how he's going to deal with the divided attention and I must be brave and not cry when the smell of baby powder sweeps over my broken barren heart and makes me wonder what my baby would look like and how she would squeal in big daddy's arms and then maybe I will not feel so sad anymore because thoughts of daddy always make me happy and laugh like we're gonna do this whole entire weekend watching a Laurel & Hardy marathon on the computer and maybe we'll have some of my honey mustard chicken which I think really rocks but maybe not as much as the roast pork they all loved last weekend but I don't think I will ever make again because the taste of spinach sauteed in garlic and tomatoes from this afternoon was just so purely delicious and now I gotta get me some Nina Simone so I can feel complete again and I'm thinking I really have to stop pretend playing Fur Elise before I'm too old to go back and learn the piano and now I'm going to lay in bed and light up an imaginary one because it's a whole year since I quit and this time for good.