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This is my truth, tell me yours

I did not vote today.

I'm hoping my not casting a vote actually makes a difference and Raj Thackeray becomes the Chief Minister of Maharashtra.

If that happens, I will finally run out of excuses to stay in Bombay (yes BOMBAY) and continue paying ridiculous rents, breathing polluted air, and being groped by oily-haired, paan-spitting North Indian men. I definitely don't need to be in Bombay for the last perk, I can go to UP or Bihar for that.

I will finally move to a better, less complicated place where I can live peacefully and not worry about paying the next month's rent or even bloody Reliance Energy's exhorbitant electricity bill. I was thinking Arunachal Pradesh, but then again, I don't want to be forced to write in big black symbols after a few years!

I can finally stop worrying about how I will ever be able to afford a home of my own so that I can put up the fabulous Venetian masks my brother got me, on walls of my own. I can find cheaper and probably stronger walls to hang them on, or maybe even wear them on my face.

I can stop worrying about how I will ever be able to afford a car of my own so that I can go out and return home whenever I like, night or day. I can borrow my neighbour's donkey in exchange for a large portion of my very delicious and very drunken home-cooked veal chops. This post is a fine testament to how drunken exactly those chops are!

I can finally meet people who talk about things other than their last European holiday, which club they now have membership to, which designer store they bought a tee shirt that cost the equivalent of my domestic help's annual salary, which multi-grained bread they now eat, and which luxury hotel they have Sunday brunch in.

Since Bombay will no longer be a cosmopolitan, tolerant and happening city, it won't matter where I live. Because really, with Raj Thackeray and his goons running amuck in this once great city, any place else will seem like heaven. Even Laloo land. Or Maya Nagari. Also, if I'm missing Bombay too much, I can get groped by the lecherous bhaiyyas up there.

Since most of the other smart people will also leave Bombay, I will just follow them. So that no matter where I am; I can eat beef, drink beer, listen to Pakistani singers, buy Valentine cards, go to "dikso and purbs", and be kissed by Richard Gere in public, whenever I like.

I can finally get a dog and die happy. This I can do anyway, but I just like to stick it in every opportunity I get.

I hope all you lovely Mumbaikars have voted for the saviour of the Marathi manoos, so that this "outsider" can finally beat the hell out of vada pao state.

The Cloudcutter

12 comments:

agent green glass said...

oh i'm so with you on this.

it disgusts me. never have i seen such rampant intolerance. and the politicians, they are greedy and manipulative. the poor, they are easy to arm twist. but the educated middle class....they are one's i just don't understand.

a very close friend, who is from the state, told him he voted for the MMS in the last election. I was quiet for ten minutes. Everyday, it crops up in my head at least once. S, quiet, well meaning, decent, god fearing S - voted for MMS. nothing could be more scary.

narendra shenoy said...

Well said!

Himanshu Tandon said...

You could not have said it better. I also happened to like the part about being able to put those masks on walls of your own.

I have been aspiring to buy a house myself for past, I don't remember how many years now, but still its hefty rents every month and a second thought before every nail that I put in a wall to hang a picture.

Really wish you wrote something more about it. But coming back to the post. This was one post where I really felt your sarcasm (:))shone out brilliantly through city chiffon.

Anonymous said...

Well said! I didn't vote because there wasn't any choice. BS a known crook from a secular party or AS an ok guy from a communal party. I left my voters ID in office and enjoyed the holiday - watched "Wake Up Sid" :)
- L

Guyana-Gyal said...

About an hour ago I was going through an Indian Perspective magasine and I said to my mother, 'I can live in India, not Mumbai though, there are places that family have been to that sound so lovely.'

If you move, I hope you find a wonderful place.

Some of my ancestors are from Goa.

The Cloudcutter said...

@AGG - In 1995, the year before Bombay officially become Mumbai, we went on a class trip to Delhi. We were taken to meet some politicians and were asked to stand up and introduce ourselves. There was a whole bunch of my classmates who said "I am so-and-so from MUMBAI." Which wasn't so bad, until a few minutes later, when I said "I am so-and-so, from BOMBAY," they all glared at me and some spoke rudely or even refused to talk to me after that. And what class were we all taking together? Journalism and Mass Comm!
I have no problem in saying Mumbai officially but why can't I just say Bombay when I feel like? It's like being asked to call my mother by a different name, after saying Mummy my whole life!

@Himanshu - It's comforting to know that there are other people like me who don't have a house of their own! I feel like a social pariah most of the time. I think I will elaborate on that some day. Thank you!

@L - Hey, sorry I haven't replied to yr email! You went and watched Wake Up Sid on election day? Bad! Very bad, I say! Haha..look who's talking. Actually I didn't vote because I still had the indelible ink on my nail from the last election. I kid you not! I have really long nails!

@GG - That is so cool. All my ancestors are from Goa!!!! I think that's where I want to go anyway. Except that down there, again I will be considered an "outsider" since I didn't grow up there. What can I say? We Indians are like that only!

The knife said...

I am addicted to Mumbai, Bombay actually, and I love it for all it's imperfections. And I voted. That's the Calcuttan in me I guess.

I don't expect it to change anything except it now doesn't give politicians the right to tell me 'you didn't vote so shut up"

Not mmot to the discussion but I love Goa

The Cloudcutter said...

Hi Knife!
I love both Bombay and Goa, in a schizophrenic way. LOL!
What's the point of blogging if you can't rant huh? ;-)

The knife said...

Himanshu, i can completely relate with what you said... at times even a second thought before buying the nail too :(

The knife said...

As the philosopher said, I rant, therefore I blog.

When i started finely chopped I thought it would be a place where I rant about bad food and service. In fact Mumbai Coffeehouse is where I rant about whatever bugs me.

Towards the end of Maximum City Suketu Mehta makes the point that each person his own Mumbai as so much depends on the circumstances under which we live (I have paraphrased here).

But turning away from Mumbai because of the MNS is like giving up on one's spouse because of bad in laws. What do you think?

The Cloudcutter said...

@Knife - I won't really leave! That's my point, I continue living here inspite of all the challenges. Raj Thackeray as CM would be the last straw! But I don't think even he will make me leave.
Years ago I moved out of Bombay, thinking it would be easier. But let me tell you, the toughest life in Bombay is better than the cosiest life anywhere else.
I know I think of myself as a displaced Goan sometimes, but the truth is I'm all Bombay at heart. My dad came here in 1953, when he was just 16. My mom came a decade later and the rest as they say, is history.
My cousins in Goa think of me as a Bombayite period.
Whoah... this warrants another post methinks!

The knife said...

CC...I don't see R T as CM in the near future.

I guess Mumbai is a the NYC of india. Some of us are addicted to it. Sane people can't figure out why. Others keep cribbing about it. But don't leave.

I think I have had a guardian angel here.

I strongly believe that I was a Goan in my past birth. We go there at least once a year on my birthday. And have clocked two trips so far this year