What would you do if you had the opportunity to meet your younger self? Someone who is exactly half your age right now.
Would you tell him/her everything that you've learned through living in the last 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 odd years, or would you just let him/her find out on their own?
I recently had an online chat with someone who is exactly like I was 18, and I'm not talking about personalities, likes and dislikes. I'm talking about experiencing the same difficulties and challenges that I did, in specific relationships and areas of life, actually going through the same things. The similarities were too uncanny! In fact, she pointed it out when I happened to mention a couple of details.
We chatted and chatted, I told her about the things that she could change and the things that she should accept. She gave me incredible insight into the problems that I face today, and helped me think of ways to deal with them. I poured my heart and mind out to her and told her something that I have never talked about to another soul. A weight on my chest, a doubt gnawing away at my heart, a fear crippling my mind. And it has nothing to do with my divorce (since everyone thinks it's the only thing that bothers me!) or relationships with men, or any relationship for that matter.
It's how I have always been and I think most of us are; it's the worst fears that we never reveal. Maybe it's because I know what causes them and I know that no one else can help me but myself. That night however, I found myself opening up to a complete, nameless, faceless stranger. I found myself coming face to face with my fears as I slowly unravelled layer upon layer of the carefully hidden insecurities and doubts. I undressed myself and stood naked on an anonymous forum, where I wasn't being judged or ridiculed. Just heard out, listened to and understood. How many cries in the dark does it take one to reach there? A lifetime's worth, I can tell you that much.
For the first time in my life, I felt like something that I couldn't fathom or pin-point was working in tandem with my thoughts, my desires and hopes. How else could that anonymous forum have brought the two of us together? An 18-year-old who doesn't know how to deal with her angst and a 37-year-old who doesn't know how to get rid of her biggest fears. She could look ahead and see that life didn't always have to stay the same, and I could look back and see how far I've come.
As luck would have it, we were abruptly disconnected and there was no way to re-connect. I was distraught at first, I wanted to continue talking to her and protecting her from the things that she could not control. Then slowly, I resigned myself to the reality of our situations, with the conviction in my heart that she will be alright. She will be fine. And now, so will I.
5 comments:
This brings to mind my granddaughter who - in some ways reminds me of my younger self. She has just fallen in love at 19 the same age as I was and I find myself rejoicing in her happiness and fearful of her going on to the heartbreak I had. Hopefully lightening doesn't strike twice.
Have you read this?
http://edwardhydeshow.blogspot.com/2011/06/308-letter-that-was-never-sent.html
Totally out of Jill Mansell's Book :)
I have seen streaks of younger me in a few but that's it. But would love to meet someone like that :-)
It's one of the reasons why I like hanging out with younger folks...folks all ages, come to think of it.
You know... I tend to do the opposite- hang with older women who remind me of the self I feel I will become... but now I am finding joy in friendships with women my own age. Maybe as my circle expands it will continue downward. There is something special that we have to offer each other at every age. I am happy you made that connection. And boy have we come a far way from our 18 year old selves. Thank heavens for mercy along the journey! Missing you.
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