*Latin phrase meaning ‘in the middle of things’

Do the days really make you happy? Can they actually make you happy? And do you manage to completely forget about the gnawing gaping wound inside?

No, the days don’t make me happy… or sad for that matter. They dawn on me with all their might and everything that they have to offer…. From the sweetness of figs melting inside my mouth to the cold stabbing of icicles inside my chest, the days unload all that they have onto my lap. And I can be anything I choose to be. Some days I decide to be content, other days I just sit inside the circles of pain. And most days are filled with conflicting moments, as I find myself smiling when the taps run dry and suffocating when the rain gently drizzles over me.  

I don’t understand you. I never did.

But I understand you. I always have. Isn’t that enough?

No. None of this could ever be enough because I just don’t know how to go on… I’m not sure how this will end with the two of us drifting apart from each other and spiraling out of orbit.

Why do you need to know how it ends? Why can’t you just let it be?

Because I’m not wired that way. I can’t stay still and wait until the weather turns, and then let a strong gust take me away. I need to be prepared. I need to chain myself to a tree so I don’t get blown away.

Getting blown away could lead you to another realm, something that you may never experience otherwise. Isn’t that what life is all about?

No life is about how much you can be…. what you mean to people, to those around you. There’s even an old song that goes ‘You’re nobody till somebody loves you’. And I’ve realized that I am nothing without you. That’s why I need to know… I need to know how this will end. Will I get blown away by the hurricane of your indifference or could I safely drop anchor here with you?

Why do you need to know? And why does it have to be me? Why can’t it be you?

I don’t understand…

Why can’t you yearn for the wellspring of your own love instead? Why wait for me to make you or break you as a result of my own splintered existence? My love could either ruin you or nurture you and chances are that it will ruin you… Hasn’t it already? By creating a void that offers no respite in the continuous churning of the day, and when night falls, covering your feet with the papery dust of your dreams. But if you choose instead to dip into the only unconditional love that exists, this universe and beyond can be limitless.

That’s what you don’t understand… you’ve never understood… I don’t want the universe and beyond. I just want you.

You have me. You have always had me. Just not in the way you think you want me.

What do you mean?

You’re trying to turn me into something I can never be… to you or anyone else on this planet. All your life you were looking for a pair of red shoes and then you found me… But I am not a pair of shoes, I am a red scarf that you could wear around your neck. You’re trying to walk with me on your feet instead… I am just red. You chose the red. If you wanted the shoes, you should have settled for a different colour.

And what am I to you?

You are the yellow piece of paper covered in black ink inside a long white envelope that I keep between the pages of a book that I will never complete reading.