A ‘Dear Diary’ post after ages… Just because…

I woke up at 4 am today. Left one home at 5:30, and entered another at 7. Stepped out again at 8, returned at 8:45, barely had time to brew my morning cuppa Joe before rushing to finish chores before 10, which is when the kitchen water supply is turned off. The black coffee in my yellow mug remained untouched until 10:15 when I finally managed to put my feet up. By then my eyelids started drooping and the dream machine inside my head had already turned itself on… Between trying to remember the combination to my vault (imaginary) and the second time I was kissed… Not imaginary, it was Christmas Eve 1990, we were at a house party, he was my brother’s friend, we were slow dancing, we weren’t dating or anything and it was the first time we were physically that close, and out of the blue, he kissed me… I was taken aback but I liked it, I liked him too because he was always nice to me… so I let him kiss me and I kissed him back as the fireworks went off in my almost 17-year-old brain… but then he suddenly stopped and apologized (!) saying that my brother was his best friend so he shouldn’t be kissing me because after all, I was like his little sister… Gaaah!!! Why do guys do that?!?!? Back then, I used to be painfully shy so I just stood there without uttering a word as he took his arms off my waist and walked away. I cried and obsessed over him for a long long time after that (precisely two weeks, trust me, that’s a long time in teenage years). I was really mad at him for just kissing me like that and then leaving me hanging because I really liked him (of course, he didn’t know that) and could see us being a couple. 

I got my revenge around 4-5 years later when he’d come over to visit my Dad who was recuperating after some time in the hospital. Dad spoke to him for a while and then went to take his afternoon nap, and I had just got back home from college. I spoke to the guy for a few minutes and then expected him to leave but he kept hanging around. At some point he followed me into the kitchen (he may have asked for a glass of water or something) and then suddenly pinned me against the wall and forced his lips on me… This time I wasn’t amused or even interested so I just pushed him away. He begged and tried to kiss me again. I gave him a resounding NO! and asked him to leave… Yes, it felt good… almost as good as that kiss all those years ago… ha ha.

Anyway, after that long and pointless detour (thank you sleep-deprived brain for drumming up that long-forgotten memory), back to my day…. I badly needed sleep, so I climbed into bed at 10:30 and put my phone on silent mode, before sinking into the comfort of my mattress. But I could barely sleep for 30 minutes or so… I think my brain was just in overdrive. I got out of bed and headed straight to the kitchen to crack open the 6 coconuts that my mother just brought back from our trees in Goa. I thought I would keep them ready for my maid, who normally grates the coconuts for me so I can store the flesh in the freezer. I don’t know what got into me but I suddenly started grating them myself on this really primitive tool that I am not used to. It took me an hour and some major elbow grease, and not to mention made my neck and shoulders sore, but I actually did a fabulous job. Which is just as well because it is now 3:32 pm and the maid hasn’t shown up at all!

It’s got me thinking about how things have changed since the beginning of December… a far cry from the past few months when I was struggling to keep my head above the water (on so many levels). As always, it’s walking that has saved me. I started walking regularly again and this time obsessively, and it has made a huge difference to every area of my life. Walking is what saved me from sinking into the abyss twice before as well. The first time I was 23, and the second time I was 34. Now I’m closing in on my 42^nd year and this time, I have every intention and desire to never stop walking.

Yesterday I walked around 6 km and by the time I was done, I seriously felt like Rocky Balboa! (It’s another thing that I have all the versions of the Rocky theme ‘Gonna Fly Now’ on my phone). I hadn’t even planned to cover that much, I just turned on the app on my phone to measure the distance and started walking, and only checked at the end. I felt so elated and light-headed and most importantly, free…. I often spend a major part of my hours feeling weighed down by the chains that bind me so this feeling is just unbeatable.

I have always loved walking as it helps me clear my head and at the same time, unleashes a riot of thoughts that mostly excite me. I remember often storming out of the house as a teenager, after a fight with someone at home, and just walking for hours and returning only after I felt better. But the condition of my brain is such that the dark days are always lurking around and that is when the walking, among other things, takes a hit. That’s also when the hot tar starts crowding in and salvation seems like a Utopian dream. Somehow I’ve once again managed to chip away the gravel surrounding my feet and found meaning and purpose again. My only goal now is to never ever give up and to continue pushing myself as long as I’m around.  

It will soon be time for my evening coffee fix before I prep for dinner and then head out for my walk. I still haven’t caught up on my sleep but now I think I will just save it for later tonight. For now, I can’t wait to plug in my earphones (I feel like some Porcupine Tree this Sunday evening) and…just…keep…walking.