I finally have a goal. An actual goal that I'm pursuing. This time it's not just a thought floating around in my head or a day dream that pops up every once in a while. This time it's real because
I'm actually working towards it and I can see the results every single day. I never planned this, just like everything else in my life. And this is probably the most unlikely goal I would have imagined for myself but here I am. I've totally taken myself by surprise and I guess everyone else around me. But I'm going to make sure I reach the finish line this time.

I've never been a happy or fulfilled person. Ever. And needless to add, my constant state of turmoil persists. I'm not complaining because I don't think I would be me otherwise. So this is me, misery and all. Goal or no goal. I am and will always be unhappy.

I recently snapped and in the spur of the moment made a really huge decision. To completely dissociate oneself from people you've known longer than anyone else is tough. It doesn't matter whether you love them or loathe them, to cut yourself off is life altering. But I've done it and am facing the consequences. Which, believe it or not, are immensely liberating. Sometimes the waves lash in with bitterness and sadness and regret, but then they go right back. And I have the choice to either sit at the shore till they hit me again or just walk away. Walking away is always better. It's what I do best anyway.

Years ago I read Sybil, the mind boggling and heart wrenching true story about a woman who suffered from multiple personality disorder. She had as many as 16 dominant personalities! The book is a true rollercoaster if I ever read one and it left me exhausted. And also a little sad... By the time Sybil is pieced back together as one whole and complete personality she is already 44. So much time gone! I was 23 when I read the book and 44 seemed light years away. It took almost her entire life, I thought, she missed out on so much of her youth! And that nagging thought stayed with me for years.

I don't have multiple personality disorder (at least it hasn't been diagnosed as yet!) but I do know I need a little more piecing back together than most people. And that is one thing I have always been working at. The journey has been long and hard and I'm nowhere near the halfway mark even. But with each passing day I realise it will take as long as it takes and I will have to keep trying. Now when I think about Sybil I realise that even if it takes that long, or even longer, it's really worth it in the end. It's worth it all along as well.

We're all amazing on our good days but I think it's the not so pretty ones that really show us who we really are. Even now when I look back, I rarely remember the normal happy times. They went by in a flash and are now just a blur. But it's the memories of pain and despair that are so vivid. I can still taste and feel every tear, every wound, every lie and betrayal, every ugly layer of life as revealed to me, every slap across my face - literally and figuratively.
Sometimes I'm 6 or 7 again, or 9,14, 18, 23... Sometimes I'm just that little 2-year-old looking for her lost shoes in the dark. Standing in the corner rubbing her face, trying to make the sting go away...Wondering how long before she hears the sound of another human palm land across her face, hard and fast.

I stopped wishing for a perfect life ages ago. There's no such thing, it does not exist. Just like there are no perfect people. Still its human to always desire happiness, stability, safety... all the things that make us feel warm and cozy. But it's not always winter with you wrapped up in warm blankets and maybe warmer arms, while the fireplace glows in the dark. The trick is to look for it in bits and pieces and not be disappointed when there's a dry spell. Like eating chocolate chip ice cream I guess... There will be delicious dark chocolate chips to bite into every now and then. But they're all held together by plain cold vanilla.