It's funny how some things stick inside your head, even years after you first heard them. Funny because when you were first made privy to these words or statements they didn't mean anything to you, they didn't even concern you, and they were definitely not about anything you could relate to. Then one day you find yourself going through the same situation you always thought would be so far removed from your own reality... and boom! Those words zig zag across your mind like a pinball machine gone haywire.

Yesterday morning my mind cross-referred to something an ex-colleague once said to me. She was, of course, talking about someone else, someone we both barely knew. I didn't understand what she meant then, I still do not fully comprehend the kind of loss she was talking about. But somehow, I found myself being pulled into another time frame (like I was zooming past the blurring neon lights in a Wong Kar Wai film or a Murakami novel) and reaching out for some semblance of what I am now going through.

It's strange to suddenly look into once familiar eyes now gone limp and lifeless. Eyes that no longer look at you straight but pierce you neverthless. It's like watching your heart beat inside the chest of a complete stranger. I wondered when this process of separation would be complete. When the sudden dislodgement of something that once belonged to you now stares at you blankly in the face. I wondered if there was a path filled with tangible steps that I would complete someday. Would I break down along the way and let myself actually feel what I'm supposed to feel? Am I supposed to feel anything at all. I don't believe I will ever know.

I've just been following instructions this far. Guided by the concern and wisdom of the ones who cocoon me. From the one that goes way back to the most recent of them all. Even someone who knows little else about me apart from my name and maybe the fact that I laugh a lot, now echoes the emotions I'm supposed to feel. And I'm not entirely sure that it's not the other way round. I guess it's ok to not always be aware of how you feel. What I'm wondering is whether there really is anything to feel at all, either now or later. Does every occurence have to correlate to a particular feeling inside a huge bank of human emotions? Or is everything really made of nothing? Personally, I prefer the latter.