I remember exactly what I was doing the first time I questioned the existence of a divine force or God, as I was led to believe. I was lying on the sofa with my head hanging down. I could see the clouds outside and it made me wonder if someone really sat and made those clouds and everything under them.

The first time I dared to break a rule. I was 7 and surrounded by authority of all kinds. I went ahead and did what I had wanted to. I didn't get caught then. I never got caught... ever.

The first time someone called me unpredictable. "You're so unpredictable. What's wrong with you?" It wasn't meant to be a compliment but I took it as one. "Unpredictable...hmmm I like the sound of that." I remember it well. I remember the girl who called me that as well.

The first time I began to love someone. It probably took me years to realise it was love but I can think back to the exact day and time it happened. Because everything that followed was never the same again. Sometimes the core of us is rooted to just one person or incident and we spend our whole lives never realising what it is that keeps us going... or holds us back.

The first time I saw the snow peaks. After dreaming of them for years and then planning a trip for months and preparing for that trip for weeks and eventually getting there... I still could not see them. Then followed days of mists that were stumbling yet beautiful, while yearning for just one glimpse. And one glorious morning there they were, beyond the stunning view and as far as the eye could see. They seemed deliciously close enough to touch! It was the day before I turned 32, the day before my life changed, the day before I wanted it to change.

The first time I actually noticed and liked the way someone else laughs. Full throated, straight from the guts, and totally in sync with mine. Words no longer seemed necessary, nothing else did. If the phrase "falling in love" weren't such a cliche and also such a fuck-up, I'd use it right about now. Just for the laugh though, not the person.

So much for all the first times that have taken place. And as with everyone else, there are many more where those came from. It's wonderfully nostalgic to reminisce about the firsts that have already made their debut... But I'm still waiting for that ONE first time to happen. While everything that's ever happened to me points in the direction of "no way" and "never".... something inside me tells me it will. And when it does I'll write about it here. That's a promise!