So I'm getting a little tired of everyone telling me not to close my mind to the idea of "finding love again". I know they all mean well but the very idea grates away at my nerves, to say the least. I don't know how to explain to them that I can never find love again because I haven't lost it to begin with. But then again most of the people I know have lives simpler than mine. Everything is black and white, cut and dry, sugar and spice and everything nice. If you're not seen walking a dog then, to them, it means you do not own a dog... Fucked up analogy? Welcome to my mind!

And this person I know (rather regretfully) comes ringing my doorbell at 6 am, apparently for no particular reason other than to say hi. When I ask that this not be repeated again, I am called rude! And that's not the worst of it... I am "reminded" that this person has gone out of their way to help me several times and so I should not turn "a little inconvenience into a big deal"! This coming from a person I have NEVER taken anything from but who has borrowed money from me several times, enjoyed endless free hot meals and showers at my place and generally sponged off me at every given opportunity. I agree I have been known to let a certain someone walk all over me and take complete advantage of my niceness. But at least that someone was and still is the love of my life. So let it be known that I bend over backwards for no one else and certainly not some disturbingly arrogant parasite. And yes, if I do not love you then even something as simple as waking up in the wee hours of the morning (6 am is early when you've gone to bed only 3 hours earlier) to answer the door is bending over backwards. So is doing anything else for you. Even answering the goddamn phone when you call. So do me a favour....

And last night I realised what a wonderfully crazy and whacko but amazingly loving family I belong to. And it's not even the one I was born into. I still remember how I had described them a long time ago - fireflies in the dark. They still are, and always will be.

And now, freakily enough, Katie Melua playing in the background just reminded me of you. I don't remember the connection, did we listen to her together ever? Or did you just put her name down once in an email that ended with I miss you.

I miss you.

I really do.