Is he hot? I type into the irritatingly tiny chat window.

Yes. You can have him. She types back.

I have to see. Is he on your FB friend list?

No, she replies, he is computer-challenged.

So he loses several points already. Computer illiterate? In this day and age?
Think of the positives, my wicked mind then tells me, there's so much you can hide from him!

Tell me where he hangs out then so I can stalk him, I type furiously...

Wait, I'll email you pictures of him.

Eight seconds later a picture fills my screen from top to bottom.

He's the one with the legs wide apart, she's already typed into the subject line of the email.

I look at his face for one-tenth of a second and think NO NO NO. He looks like the guy I buy my pickles from!

There are two other guys in the picture. One is too white and pink and all the things that do not turn me on... DEFINITELY NOT.

I quickly zoom in to the guy on the left. It's a side profile. He has salt n pepper hair and is laughing. He looks laidback and easy. I can already picture us fishing in the afternoon and fighting over a rocking chair in the evening. He never asks me what's on my mind even once.

Who's the dude in the black Pink Floyd tee shirt, I ask.

You !@###$$%%^&&**(() she types.

Whaaat? Shouldn't you know me well by now. Of course he's the one I'd pick!

He's married but you can still have him, she says, he's always willing. Of course, which married man isn't? But then most married men are always cribbing about their wives and how lonely and unloved they are feeling. Big turn off!

For once, I'd like to meet a man who has the balls to say, Look I love my wife but I still want to have sex with you because I'm a man and that's just how we are.

Clone him, I tell her, then send him to me.

But first send me some more pictures of him. I want to look at his face from all angles.

So she sends me a few more pictures. In which he's lying in bed in various positions with men of different ages.

Now I could put that into context for you if I wanted.

But then, that wouldn't be much fun now would it? There has to be a perk for blogging at 3 am thanks to an upset tummy.

Moral of the story: Don't ever let anyone take pictures of you on their digicams ;-)