To get something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.

That's an anonymous quote I read somewhere a few days back, and it's stuck in my head like a pebble inside a shoe.

It made me think about how much I should be filled with regret for all the things I haven't done. But I'm not. I know I've fucked up more than I could ever imagine and turned my life into something I can no longer recognise. I've done everything wrong that a girl could do, and now I'm paying the price. Yet, I don't regret a single thing. I may have felt that way or even expressed it in weaker moments but not now. When I sit down and look into the bottom of the river and there are no more ripples to cloud my judgement, I really don't regret it.

Regret would only leave me more frustrated than I was to begin with. My experiences are a sum total of everything I have inherited, been exposed to and as a result created and thought up on my own. Sure, life would have been different if I'd done things another way. Hell, life might even have been perfect. But then again, life would also have been over. With little else to look forward to, nothing more to do or undo.

So now I'm starting to undo 36 years of mistakes and misgivings. I think I may have misinterpreted myself along the way and now I'd like to try again. I may not succeed even this time around, but I don't want to give up without trying. I hold in my hands this huge ball of knotted string, and I just need to open the knots one at a time. That's the only way it's going to work.

I don't care how long it takes because I've realised that time is all I have. I have a lifetime in which to undo and redo everything. I know now what my goal is. It's to be able to look myself in the mirror someday and say I am proud of you. I haven't been able to achieve that yet, but someday I will.

It's funny how we are willing to change the superficial things around us in a jiffy. When something is not working, whether it's an appliance or a piece of clothing we are ready to exchange it. But when it comes to ourselves, we are afraid to change. I know I am. But now I also know that if I want to be happy with myself and have any sense of self worth (things I have never had), I'm going to have to do a lot of things I've never done.

In two days, another chapter in my life comes to an end and I need all my reserves to see me through this. The upheaval that began on December 25, 2007 will now finally come to an end on July 1. In my weakest and darkest moments, I feel like nothing's changed in these two and a half years. Like I'm still the same person I was on that bizarre Christmas morning. But when I pull back and look at myself dispassionately, I realise how far I've come. And I also know that along this journey I have taken more steps backwards than I have forward. But that's me and it's who I am. I am not as strong and focused as most people. I am not beautiful and intelligent and hardworking like most people. I certainly don't deserve the best. I just deserve my best.

When my life fell apart two and half years ago, I had a mental checklist. Egged on by everyone around me (unfortunately none of whom had experienced my pain), I was ready to move on and plunge far ahead into the future. A job, a house, a financial statement, another man, a child. But life doesn't work that way. Not mine at least.

I needed to feel what I was feeling and needed to fall as many times as I did. I needed to make many more wrong decisions till I could finally arrive at what was right for myself. I needed to just be myself and not what everyone else wants me to be.

So now, there is just one thing on my checklist - Me. If I can just get myself to do whatever it is that makes me happy and makes a positive difference to the people that surround me. If I can just start to love and accept the things that make me who I am and change the things that are holding me back. And if I can just bring myself to forgive the ones who have hurt me, including myself, then I can become the person I want to be. The person that I can someday be proud to be.